Defining moments come.
Tomorrow is our defining day.
The clouds gathered today: dubious and murky. I risked a peep at the skies…threatening, depressing grey — sinister wisps of thought were cocooned together and growing tremendously. They gathered by the multitude. Stalling.
“What will happen tomorrow?” he asked softly, lying down on the sofa.
I saw his eyes, so childlike with it's questions. So readable. So loving. So like my Papa.
“Nothing”, I said. Nothing was a lie of an answer. A lot of things will happen, I know. But nothing bad will. The answer seemed to dissolve itself in a deliquescent conversation as he stared deep into apprehensions I was only beginning to understand.
I thought I saw a fear, but his eyes were swimming in something distant, futuristic.
The clouds were building.
I repeated in a mimicked voice, “noothinnggg will happen, pa.”
I felt my affection reach out to him.
It saturated the air.
Outside, suddenly, the cloud cover broke and it rained down like never before.
I broke free awhile, and walked barefoot on the grass and looked to the skies. They were still grey, sinister, foreboding. But it wasn't that scary anymore. It was utterly beautiful. The skies had rained down life. Everything was alive and everything was celebrating: reliving, breathing, and existing.
I wished Papa could have walked those steps to see. I know he will, 3 months from now.
After tomorrow. After the defining moment of self-belief. After that incredible courage.
We’ll need courage tomorrow. We’ll need to believe in ourselves. We’ll need to hold onto each other. We’ll need the prayers, the assurance, god. We’ll need to face this with everything we’ve got. We need to keep believing in the better tomorrow's, because I then wouldn't need to close my eyes to see a better day.
There are no choices anymore. But there is resilience, papa. There is tons of love. We can do anything.
In our defining moments, as clouds gather, we’ll do beautifully: with courage. With Optimism. With love. And THEN, the clouds will break and it’s going to rain down LIFE like never before.
Like today. Like the simple lesson that the skies taught me.
We will know courage, papa…in our defining moments. We will know courage. I’m with you.
(Tomorrow chemo includes a high level dosage of BCNU/ Carmustine: a cytotoxin. It’s a severe dose, 6 times the dose that is being administered right now. It's the highest dose he's ever going to get and it has more than mild side-effects. Tomorrow, also, I’m facing a major examination. It’s just the beginning of Finals season. Testing times. But I know we’ll both make it through. Keep us in your prayers.)